Questionably Fabulous

At the risk of sounding crass, I am going to confess something to you.  

I cannot stand it when sounds come out of my butt.  I know, it was more info that you’d like – you humans are so conservative when it comes to stuff like that.  

Sometimes, when my humans feed me too much of their food (not complaining just explaining) I omit smells that cannot be helped.  Typically I expel the sent on its own, with no other evidence that its left my body except the relief I feel immediately afterwards.  

But sometimes, like last night, I will be sleeping and I will, as you humans call it, fart, and it will be so loud that it will wake me up.  And, like last night, I didn’t initially know that it was my butt that had made such a startling noise and so I had to bounce up and try and protect my humans from what I thought was an intruder making the noise.  As I gathered myself together I realized that it was my other half that had disturbed everyone and I was in such disbelief that I had to turn towards my bottom half and actually investigate for myself whether or not it was really me.  

It was.