Questionably Fabulous

So, I quit my job.  Which, in any other economic climate might not shock anyone, and if I had a new job to go to, that might not shock anyone either. 

But we are in the midst of an unemployment epidemic and I do not have a new job lined up.  Nope, I’ll be jobless as of today.  I’ll officially be a $%^&* Wife!  Insert husband’s company name in there, if you know it, giggle, if you don’t well, sorry, you’ll have to email me for the goods.  So basically I’ll be sponging off my husband.  I suppose that the more accurate statement would be that my husband will be supporting our family while I will be crating and maintaining our family.  About as old fashioned as it gets!  And I cannot wait. 

Yes, my life will change…  But apparently all my anal saving techniques will now pay off!  If I cut out all my frivolous (and random) shopping I will be fine!  Mr. Husband of the Year can pay all our bills while I do the modern Donna Reed! 

I should be thrilled and relieved and excited…  And I am all of those things, but for the past five weeks (starting when I gave notice) I haven’t been.  I’ve been (and still am a little) completely freaked out.  Totally and utterly and entirely wigging the F out about this whole thing. 

Am I taking advantage of my husband?  Will people judge me for not having a job?  Am I contributing enough?  When I really wanna splurge will I be able to break my piggy bank and treat myself?  Can I justify spending money on myself when all of my husband’s money is going towards our bills?  Should we have kids sooner than we’d planned just so that I have something “to do”?  Do I get a volunteer position so I’m not wasting away at home?  What does “keep busy” mean?  Will I get sucked into Soap Operas and Talk Shows (please note we don’t have  cable so the one channel I get would actually limit me to being sucked into Judge Judy type shows and infomercials)?  What will my value be?  How can I justify my own existence?  What measure will I have to be good enough? 

The answers to all of these mind numbing questions are limitless and tend to put me into an infinite circle of “but what if” which just drives everyone crazy.  Well, it mostly drive my husband crazy because as it turns out, I’m one of the few who is having a problem with it.  It is high time that I really stop needing to have a measure of my own value and start trusting myself and those around me.  But that is SO much easier said than done.  I mean, I’ve totally joked about being a pampered wife who gets to work out at the gym in the middle of the day and “lunches” as an actual scheduled activity but did I ever think it would happen?  Hellllllllss no! 

So here I am, my life is working out.  And it’s as if I woke up one day and noticed I had a left hand and now every time I look down and see it I’m like “Holy Shit!  I have a left hand!  Where the hell did that thing come from?”