Questionably Fabulous

Yesterday I went for a long walk on the beach with two of my girl friends and two lovely Jack Russell Terriers.  The dogs were tired at the end of the long day gallivanting up and down the sand and playing in the surf which delighted both of the owners!  Those mutts are hard to wear out. 

I’ve been working on the issue of shame lately.  Or rather, I’ve been trying to not feel shame about certain things.  I’ve been trying to tell people more about me, share more of my intimate secrets…  The truth is some of those intimate secrets aren’t as secret as I think they are and some of them are kept hidden away for no reason.  The problem?  I cannot tell which is which and I tend to set myself up for disappointment. 

For example, yesterday I took a big risk and really talked in detail about my feelings about money and how that relates to my friendships.  I talked openly about “my crazy” and how it relates to money, how it affects all of my relationships (family, romantic, platonic) and then, as it turned out, it didn’t surprise either one of them.  And, interestingly enough, they shared similar views.  They shared the sane version of my crazy.  And they appreciated the way I verbalized my issues, the thoughtful analysis of how I was feeling, and how I claimed it as irrational.  This, I think, is progress. 

One of the reasons I am crazy when it comes to money is my childhood.  I grew up very poor and the intimate details of the financial struggles I lived through are very private, very near and dear to my heart and points of vulnerability for me.  I told my friends these things yesterday and felt good about it.  I shared a few things that I have shame about and trusted these women to take care of me and treat that information with sensitivity. 

Later, when discussing this with my husband he warned that this might not be the best course of action.  Could I really trust them with my vulnerability?  The answer really is that I can’t ever know, can I?  I can only take the risk to try and trust and see where it goes.  But is that a self-fulfilling prophecy?  My fear of trusting others with the raw details of my life translated into trusting the wrong people…  am I setting myself up to be taken advantage of just so I can shake my fists at the sky and said “I knew it!”